Stanford Football hasn’t squeaked out a single victory this season. Who’s surprised? The squad has been a fixture on ESPN’s Bottom 10 list since September. Not to mention that half the roster is on the injury list. I’m drinking a bottle of absinthe a week now (thanks, eBay).

Everyone’s fingering their favorite culprit: the Athletes, the Athletic Department or the Administration. Get those parties together and the pooch gets screwed. Last time these three collaborated, they gave us that part in the Band Run where freshmen watched the LSJUMB rock out on the field from confined perches in the new stadium. I’m pretty sure they got that idea from Saved by the Bell Season 3. Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

The team went to the Rose Bowl in 2000. It won its seventh straight Big Game in 2001. It’s been five years since our fall from grace. Sack a few coaches, tighten the alcohol policy, inflate student ticket prices, abandon the Band and here we are. Fireworks won’t fill a stadium. They want you to wave your credit cards in the air for the camera, flip the colored card when the PA tells you, stand only one person to a plastic seat and pretend like you’re having fun when the camera pans your way. Welcome to Stanford, and thanks for playing our marketing game. The Farm Dog is just blended animal carcass. The New Stanford Stadium is just concrete and plastic. You’re not here to swallow beast flesh or to be amazed at the versatility of plastic polymers. There’s a way out of all this misery. Over the last five years, Stanford has crushed the student fan. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. It’s time for a comeback.

We’re going 0-12 this season. This is our chance. We could be legends.

The guys on the football team want badly to win a game. But more than anything, they want students to be into the game. They want support. We can do that. Supporting the team is not about the Benjamins. It’s about showing up. This is your college experience, and it’s ending one minute at a time. Make it count. When you take the dive, trust me, it’s the best high in the world.

Here’s the 10-step plan:

1. Get tanked before every game and have your roommate punch you in the face repeatedly.

2. Reject Stanford’s propaganda.

3. Yell obscenities at opposing fans. You are superior, so act like it.

3.5. The rawest dog? A dry, bare log.

4. Wear as much old school Stanford gear as possible.

5. Watch Fight Club and listen to the soundtrack on repeat.

6. Don’t worship football players, but don’t hate them either. They’re just like you, except their necks are bigger.

7. Quiet down when we’re on offense, and yell your ovaries off when we’re on the D.

8. Stay to the last whistle. Perv on the Dollies if you’re bored, like the alumni.

9. When you ride, come equipped with game.

10. When the Band plays All Right Now, jump the f*** up.

The test comes this weekend: USC, fresh off a loss. Hundreds of plastic faces are coming up in buses with their Nick Lacheys in tow. Take the pride of Stanford back into your own hands. Let’s make this one count. And one more heads up: Big Game is at Cal this year. It’s going to take more than custom T-shirts, so start scheming. Damn right, get your head right.

The Stanford Tree is known worldwide for rawdogging, raging and pointing out the University’s failures. Find him at